The difference between a NAIROBI’s CHIPS FUNGA and a Mombasa one…MMMH!

There is a Nairobian Chips Funga and there is the Mombasa Chips Funga. And they are all as different as a mango is from a tomato. Let’s call them CFs for simplicity.

Mostly (Nairobi chips Funga), she is ageless. You can’t tell her exact age. She looks young, possibly in the mid-20s, more often beautiful especially when you are mid-way the fifth bottle, and the dim club lighting.

Most like claiming that they in a college or a university; MKUs, Kimathi, KEMU, Daystar, Catho, KU, CUEA et al.

You simply identify her by what she takes. Unpolished ones mostly stick with Black Ice and announce their intentions by dancing aggressively, shaking their bum, whether existent or not.

She can dance with any man who shows up and does not mind doing socket or a shocking lap dance and an unsolicited kiss. If you see her with the man for the first time, you will think that they are an item. They move pretty fast these ones.

Then there is the category that goes for Kingfisher and Wood Pecker. Those bottles drive me nuts. They have the worst shape ever invented after condom shoes. A woman who drinks Kingfisher, will most likely not demand a Taxi or a cab as they call it, if she decides to go with you.

Then there is the pretentious crowd that goes for Red Ice or orders wine or those things they serve with lemon slices. This one will most likely demand a taxi and can even offer to pay if the man looks too fidgety with the charge.

What is common however among all the Chips Funga is their calculated naivete. They make the man see that he has gotten himself an easy lay, while they actually lead a man on.

What is funny is how men get rid of them the morning after. She just wakes up around 6.33 am, reaches for her hand bag, fishes out a ‘teeth-brush’ if she carried or just swallows a fingerful of Aquafresh in her mouth, straightens her hair and head to the bus stop to catch the Matatu and get to Church early enough.

As one of the funniest Kenyan on Twitter put it on Twitter, ‘some Chips Fungas are so perverted that they buy P2s along the way to church and use the wine to swallow them.’ The thought itself is mortifying.

The act of carrying a Chips Funga is the ultimate casual sexual exchange. Here two random souls meet for a purely carnal exchange without even a single string attached. Wait! May be a drink or breakfast if the man somehow has a heart. Most men actually chase them in the morning without even raising their heads, pretending to have a hangover. Unless ‘he’ is up the morning and feels like ‘moaning’ glory before sending her away.

Now officially, there is a class of young women who are servicing young employed men who stay in flats in Lang’ata, Dohnholm, South B, South C, Zimmerman, Roysambu, Kasarani etc and any other estate that struggling middle-class men have settled. They don’t want much. They don’t even want to know your first name, or even your number. The first rule is to never get emotional or demand a replay unless you both enjoyed the sex.

Trying to engage a CF in a constructive conversation will make you dump her faster than real fries can be wrapped at Sonford. They have this thing about struggling with college, business or ‘jobo’. They invariably sound like those girls on beauty pageants when they try to be intellectual; like insisting that they like swimming, travelling and reading novels. Anyone who believes them?

If you frequent the same joint, you might bump into your CF in the days to come and you will Hi 5 each other, if you will remember each other, that is. Since she will be in the company of some bespectacled nerd who she will whisper to ‘He is a colleague,’ or whatever she might designate you on the spur of the moment, you could be the movie guy, you know. Some CFs as are so famous that they are known in clubbing circles and their profile has gone down given that they know the insides of more houses in all suburbs than the busiest Water or Electricity man.

You walk with her to the club and she is offering familiar hugs to men along the way to the dance floor. And that is the Nairobian CFs. Disciplined, subscribes to the age-old dictum of no-strings attached. Now over to Coast.

At the Coast, it is a different ball game altogether. Apparently, at the Coast if you succeed to get a CF, you are in for a shocking morning after.

No, it is not about the paranoid myth of Jinis. No, they can’t disappear with your electronics into thin air. For one most women in clubs at the Coast, are after the dandy, old, white men. The old white men do outrageously bad things but at the Coast, one is for the money anyway.

Chips Fungaing has not really sunk in to the levels of ridiculous permissiveness it has in Nairobi, but it is not uncommon to occasionally get a decently young and beautiful chicka you can wrap hot and get home to devour.

The really drama starts in the morning when she wakes up and the pillow talk goes something like…

SHE (In the Coastal Swahili Accent): Sasa tutazaa watoto wangapi?

HE(Confused): Mmmh

SHE:Kanionyeshe jikoni na uniwekee nguo pamoja nikaoshe…wapenda wali wa nazi kwa kiamsha kinywa…

And along that vein…

That is what befallen good old pal. Thrice, the women have demanded a ring in the morning and a show of commitment and enough drama to fuel the gossip of the gossipy, lazy Coastal people who are his neighbors.

Some things we only learn the hard way.

Sila

RAILA’s sister RUTH ODINGA withdraws from Kisumu Gubernatorial race

  News just in indicates that Raila Odinga’s younger sister Ruth Odinga has pulled out of the Kisumu Gubernatorial race thereby leaving the path clear for her competitors in the race to win the ODM ticket for the March 4^th elections.

While withdrawing her name from the race, Ruth Odinga called for the residents of Kisumu and its environs to maintain peace and to also support her brother in the upcoming elections.

Ruth Odinga’s win and that of her elder brother Oburu Odinga in the ODM nominations has led to calls of rigging and ballot tampering influenced by nepotism.

It seems someone (most likely Raila) has finally prevailed upon her to withdraw from the race because the protests in Kisumu were likely going to affect the region’s enthusiasm for a Raila presidency.

More on this story to follow.

I IMPREGNATED MY MOTHER IN LAW...I NEED HELP

I IMPREGNATED MY MOTHER IN LAW...I NEED HELP 

Dear Daily Truth

I'm a 25-year old guy and just being promoted to a Rock Engineer at a mine, and on the verge of engaging a 21-year old woman who's still a student. Well my story goes like this: my woman and I have been together for the past 4 years and we really love each other, we have had so many disputes and all sorts of fights but still we held on to each other. One day when I had a month leave, which coincided with my woman's recess at school, we decided to go home for vacation. We live in nearby towns, so she suggested that we start by her hometown and we'll end the vacation at mine. Well I agreed without any hesitation. Her father usually travels a lot with work and most of the time mother-in-law is alone, so it happened that one day my woman went to see one of her long lost friend and I stayed in the house alone, the mother went shopping in the morning. When the mother came back, my woman was still with the friend I suppose and while I was in my woman's room resting, the mother came in nude, I mean nude. Bear in mind mother-in-law is only 41 years old and still looks young and beautiful, just like her daughter. Well at 1st I was like WTF and I really begged her not to do that but she kept on insisting that it would only be a once off sex. Well I declined and she threatened me that she'd tell her daughter I wanted to rape her, and she'd cut her face to make her believe that. Well after so much of a talk, Adam gave in to eat the apple from Eve once again. We slept together and I must confess, the sex was flippin' awesome, I even at some point thought I was making love to my woman. We used condoms, and tragedy struck when 1 of them burst. Well no one noticed at that time, we noticed when I was about to dispose them. I suggested that I go buy the morning after pill and she furiously refused and I as shocked. Well I blame myself 4 everything and right now as I type this, mother-in-law is 5 months pregnant and it matches the date we had sex with, we haven't told anybody about that. I'm so scared to tell my woman whom I'll be paying lobola for in the nxt two months. I really wanna come clean and yeah I'm a filthy moron I know but how do I put it on the table to her?

ODM says RUTH ODINGA nomination win is NOT ‘OFFICIAL’

  After morning of protests in Kisumu over the announcement that Raila Odinga’s sister Ruth Odinga had won the ODM ticket to vie for the Kisumu Governorship seat in the March 4^th polls, the party’s National Election Board has come out to try and put a lid on the situation.

In a brief statement to the media, the Franklin Bett-led ODM National Election Board has said that “Ruth Odinga has not been cleared to run for Kisumu Governor in the March 4th polls.” The statement also called on the people of Kisumu to maintain peace while the results of the nominations are finalized.

The statement from ODM’s National Election Board comes after angry youths barricaded the Kisumu-Nairobi road at Nyando Bridge in Ahero to protest alleged rigging in the nominations.

IM A FEMALE TEACHER,CAUGHT IN BED WITH A FEMALE STUDENT BY MY HUSBAND.THEN IT WAS A 3SOME

IM A FEMALE TEACHER,CAUGHT IN BED WITH A FEMALE STUDENT BY MY HUSBAND.THEN IT WAS A 3SOME

Dear DAILY TRUTH,

I’m a college teacher at a known university here in Nairobi. I got close to a female student, who I’d jokingly call “bhaby,” and we often have a drinking session at my house. I’m married, but my husband was not around most of the time that he didn’t notice I was feeling something different toward my student. One time at school, during break, I began to feel horny toward my “bhaby” that I asked her to go home with me. I knew she had an idea of what I wanted to happen. So off we went to my house and drank shots of brandy. We soon lost control—I undressed her in our living room and kissed her breasts. We were so into the act that we didn’t notice my husband come home early. We were caught in the act, both totally naked! My husband was initially speechless, but next thing I knew he began to take off his clothes. I feared that he might do something violent, but none of that happened. Instead, my “bhaby,” my husband and I all had a happy ending.

WAITITU and SONKO had the support of majority of the POOR and might win the March 5th

One of the first things you notice when you go to a slum in Nairobi is the number of services on offer that are unknown elsewhere in the city.

Phone charging: Sh10. That is because virtually all the adults in the informal settlements have mobile phones but the majority have no electricity connection.

Water: Sh20 per container. Most houses do not have water connections. According to UN-Habitat, about 65 per cent of Nairobians live in slums. Only 22 per cent of them have water connections. Compare that with the higher income groups (11-12 per cent of the population) who consume 30 per cent of the city’s water.

Cooking githeri, Sh15; ugali, beans, ndengu, ngwachi, Sh10; Waru, heating water for bathing, Sh10.

Most heads of households in the slums calculate that buying kerosene at Sh87 to cook at home does not make economic sense when they earn about Sh300 gross per day. So they pay Sh15 to some merchant to do the cooking for them. More to the point, there was this huge poster that greeted the Sunday Nation team when we went on a reporting trip to Mukuru kwa Njenga last year:

“All Land Grabbers, Come Baby Come,” and “Mukuru Ndio Ocha (rural home), “We have nowhere else to go, Mukuru is not for Sale.”

Those banner signs were put up by an organisation called Muungano wa Wanavijiji which has been working for several years to prevent grabbers from taking the land in Mukuru which is home to hundreds of thousands of city residents.

The group has moved to court and stopped many characters that were allocated prime plots in the slums in the 1980s from carrying out eviction orders.

But the resistance to those evictions has also taken a political character. And, after a week in the slums, we came back aware of the depth of popularity of Mike Sonko and Ferdinand “Clifford” Waititu.

It was Waititu and Sonko who would be on the ground within minutes every time a demolition squad arrived in the service of grabbers seeking to flatten shacks which inconveniently sit on land worth of millions of shillings near the Industrial Area.

Many residents of Mukuru and other slums in the capital are completely alienated from the government. They are not idlers. Many are welders, masons, informal sector teachers, vegetable vendors whose monthly income falls below Sh10,000.

The slums are the only place they can afford to live. But the city council and the government pretend they do not exist. Basic services such as water and sewerage are absent.

Populist politicians and Western governments and agencies have filled this void. When it is not Sonko delivering large water tanks in the slums, you will see embarrassing signs like one we spotted: “This public toilet was funded by the World Bank.” In this situation, it is easy to explain the popularity of the likes of Waititu.

Jimnah Mbaru would make a far better Nairobi governor for everyone. His plan to raise a bond to build 500,000 cheap housing units, for example, would have been a good first step to get rid of slums. My vote will now switch to Evans Kidero.

But I understand where the massive support for Waititu and Sonko springs from. It can be summarised in the slogan that the populist leader of Venezuela Hugo Chavez uses to win elections despite the wishes of the middle class and better off Venezuelans. Somos la mayoría “We (the poor) are the majority.”

*** 

Anyone taking part in future primaries will remember this quote commonly attributed to Stalin: “It’s not the people who vote that count. It’s the people who count the votes.”
Source:Daily Post

VIOLENT PROTESTS after RUTH ODINGA wins Kisumu County nomination battle

  Protests broke out in Kisumu after Prime Minister Raila Odinga’s younger sister Ruth Odinga was declared the winner of the ODM’s nomination battle to vie for the Kisumu County Governor’s seat.

The Kenya Red Cross through its twitter feed has reported that angry youths are currently blocking the Nairobi-Nyando road at Nyando Bridge in Ahero. This is an important crossway and motorist using it are advised to exercise extreme caution.

Protests have also been reported in Kisumu’s Kondele Village. Police are at this moment trying to calm the situation.

Ruth Odinga’s nomination win is not the only one being disputed though as protests over the ODM nomination results have also been reported in Rachuonyo , Muhoroni, Ahero, Kendu Bay and Nyakwere areas.

These worrying reports from Western Kenyan are emerging as there are continuing fears that the nomination results will lead to a backlash against ODM at the March 4^th polls.